The table is set, the turkey is the ideal golden brown, and the mashed potatoes are just the right amount lumpy and full of butter. Then someone- let’s call him Uncle Rob- is just waiting to mention the national debt before the gravy even hits the table. Across from him, your cousin Alana’s fork freezes in midair like she’s in a political hostage situation.

Silently, you find yourself pleading with the God of the universe, “Please, Lord, let’s just get to pie!”

The world around us has gone mad, and politics became the new family sport. Unfortunately, it’s not the cool kind with long touchdown passes, three pointers or nachos (with that delicious fake orange cheese sauce) either. It’s the exhausting kind where everyone’s a referee and no one ever wins.

Here’s the thing. We miss out on who people really are when we treat others like they are walking political statements. Uncle Rob isn’t just his Facebook post. He’s also the guy who drove an hour to repair your leaky faucet. And Alana? She might be dramatic sometimes, but she always remembers your birthday plus her cookies taste like heaven.

Turns out, folks are more pleasant to be around when you treat them like people instead of wrong opinions waiting for correction. Who knew?

Somehow, many of us have slipped into the idea that changing someone’s mind is more important than keeping their company. Look back on your life, though. Your best memories with your family and friends weren’t built around agreement. They were built around shared laughter, the year you had no turkey because Grandpa forgot to turn on the oven, and inside jokes that don’t make sense to anyone else.

Maybe it’s time for a truce- not a political one (those are above our pay grade)- but a family and friends truce. The kind where we agree that Aunt Helen’s pecan pie is sacred ground, and that the dinner table isn’t a debate stage.

Here’s a radical idea: what if, instead of trying to “win” conversations, we just ENJOY them. Ask about someone’s new hobby or find out what is the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten? Laugh about the time your friend, Claudine, iced Tom’s birthday cake with such an utter lack of skill that when it was revealed, the whole room laughed until they cried. Allowing people to finish sentences without cross-examination like you’re Barbara Walters is a good call, too.

If we can do that, we might rediscover something better than being “right”. We might rediscover being close, and feeling mentally, physically and emotionally well and healthy.

Let’s get this out of the way too. No, I don’t want you to stop caring about the big issues of the day. Perhaps we can just ALSO admit something rather wild. Your friends and family- yes, those people- matter more! It’s not just that they are nice to have around, but like, ACTUALLY MATTER- with your health, happiness, life span.

Here are two quick stats to give this some weight. First, a research study cited in the Washington Post (among other outlets) found during some meta-analysis of over 300,000 people, that those with strong social ties have roughly a 50% better chance of survival than people with weak ties- across ages, sex and health status. And guess what Harvard and the NIH say are as harmful as smoking about 15 cigarettes a day? Loneliness and weak relationships! So, if you’ve ghosted your aunt for two years because of her Instagram posts, congratulations- you’re now emotionally vaping!!

So, yes, those “I’ll meet you for coffee” catch up sessions and those “I’ll tolerate your venting if you listen to my nonsensical stress rant” moments aren’t trivial- they are vital. All those chats, catch-ups and laughter sessions do things like lower blood pressure, boost your immune system, and keep your brain sharper. Research and science bear that out. Take the time. It’s well spent beyond what you imagine.

Parties shift. Political winds change. Your favorite TV shows get cancelled. Your cherished friend who still calls you at 10pm because you know why? That’s gold. So is a big family card game where Aunt Lisa always cheats when she drinks too much wine! Treating someone like a person first means you will still have them around when the seasons change. PERHAPS the time is now to stop prepping your turkey table speech titled “Why My View is Correct”. Take a breath and pass the gravy. Ask weird questions. Say, “hey, I’m glad you came. I’d miss you if you weren’t here.” Then, eat more pie!

If your relative launches into a rant, you don’t need to fix them. You can just listen and maybe say, “I hear you,” or “Huh. That’s one way to look at it.” Then, move on to something else. The world doesn’t need another debate. It needs a friend and some positive vibes.

You guys. Let’s not leave Grandma clutching the deviled eggs like they’re emotional support snacks. Yes, the world’s crazy, everyone’s got opinions, and social media has convinced us that every conversation needs to be a battlefield, but maybe it’s time to admit that it’s a fool’s error. You’re not going to change Carol’s voting record over cranberry sauce, and your best friend isn’t going to switch political parties because you sent them a compelling meme. Nobody has ever said, “Wow that Friendsgiving was amazing! We really bonded over yelling about Congress!”

But you will remember the night your family and good friends spent at Lake Barkley after the power went out when Georgie won the prize for “most embarrassing moment” story. You’ll remember the laughter that made your stomach hurt, the dumb group selfies, and the one person who always ends the night saying, “love you guys” and hugs a little too hard. That’s the good stuff.

Here’s my (highly scientific) Guide to Surviving Holiday Gatherings:

1. Assume everyone’s trying their best. Yes, even the friend who thinks they’ve done their research when it means they watched three TikToks and half a Youtube video. Just let it go. Smile. Sip something festive.

2. Keep your “Mic Drop” moments to yourself. If you’re considering opening the next sentence with “Actually…” then it’s probably time to pivot. Talk about music, travel, the best way to cook a marshmallow—literally ANYTHING ELSE.

3. Compliment don’t correct. “You make a good point” and “These cookies are incredible” are both good options. Even if neither is technically true, one of them might save Christmas!

4. Schedule gratitude. Tell your friends they matter. Text your cousin “Hey, thinking of you!” Gratitude is contagious, and it’s the cheapest therapy there is- unless you count a good walk and free samples- which are also great!

5. Pie beats politics. It’s hard to argue about the economy or the middle east with a mouth full of whipped cream. Just saying?

Someday, long after the next election, you’ll still want people who remember your birthday, laugh at your tired stories, and show up when it matters. If you can keep those people in your life, you’ve already won something way bigger than an argument. So yeah, flawed, opinionated, loud humans are more fun than politics.

If you’re worried you won’t be able to keep the mood light and a holy attitude as the holidays approach, try this short prayer before you leave home. These wise words were penned by the great St. Augustine!

Prayer to the Holy Spirit

O Holy Spirit, descend plentifully into my heart.

Enlighten the dark corners of this neglected dwelling,

And scatter there, Thy cheerful beams.

-Amen

Now, go text a friend.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!